Change.

“You change for one of two reasons… either you learn enough to want to, or you’ve been hurt enough to have to.”

I agree with this. Around this time last year, someone I really cared about hurt me really bad. He took away a really massive part of me and it just about left me in pieces. He found me when I was vulnerable and fragile, just recovering from a really sad breakup with my high school sweetheart and he took advantage of that. He stepped in with his "I'm so cool I spin tracks and I've got that swagger you like" attitude, and stupid, childish vulnerable me fell for it. I was infatuated, not just with him, but with the idea of dating something close to a DJ. It's that usual thing where when you're young and stupid, you want to date the guy that all the other girls want to date. I was that young, stupid girl. 

Looking back, I really don't remember what I saw in him. Our first date wasn't even a real date. We went with his cousin and my friend to a mamak shop and had drinks. He didn't sit next to me. He didn't sit opposite me. He didn't try to hold my hand, or flirt with me. He barely spoke to me. He spoke to my friend most of the time. He didn't even pay for my Iced Milo. When we parted ways after that first time out, he gave me a hug and a peck on the lips. 

But I was naive. I still believed the image of him he had created in my mind. I still thought he was a sweet guy and that because of the way he spoke to me, he did care for me. At some point, I don't know why or how, but I even remember telling him I loved him countless of times, even though I didn't want to tell him that. But even then I knew it wasn't love. I just wanted to make him happy. I guess that was my biggest fault in any relationship with anyone in my life. I always wanted them to be happy.

This boy, I can't call him a man because he was never ever man enough to be truly and sincerely sorry for what he did to me - this boy hurt me. He took away a really big part of me and never gave it back. He made me lose track of myself and he crushed my self-esteem. It came to a point that I felt like I had destroyed myself. If only I could tell you what it was that he did that hurt me so bad, you would be shocked.

I think this was the turning point in my life. I thank God that I had friends who looked out for me. Then, they were new friends. But one year later, and now they're my closest friends, Davinia and Amanda. They took me out and taught me that I could have fun without him and that there was so much more to life. My other friends, especially the ones from back home, were always there to comfort me and remind me of my worth that I was worth so much more than he deserved. These people, these wonderful people in my life helped me build up my self esteem again. I started dating again, I met really nice guys who gave me all the affection I wanted and who made me feel nice, but they always wanted what I couldn’t give them and I needed what they couldn’t give me. I learnt not to hold too much hope to these guys, and even friends in general. 

I think 2009 was really a year for me to learn lessons about guys and friends. When it came to guys, I dated, flirted and had fun. But after a month or more, I ended up feeling like I needed those guys when in reality I did not. The biggest problem with me is that when I'm into someone or when I'm "officially" with someone, I give it my all. I give everything I've got. I know that's stupid because I'm just putting myself out there and risking heartache over and over again. But there's one thing I believe, is that you have to be willing to take that risk, even if it means you'll get hurt, because you don't ever want to live your life with "what ifs" stuck in your head. 

Towards the end of 2009, in December, I was finally steadying myself, not dating anyone but simply keeping time for myself and innocently flirting with one or two guys here and there. But I mostly kept my time for family and friends. But since the beginning of 2010, my relationship with certain friends really deteriorated. That's mostly cos I realised how fickle some friends can be. And in some ways, it's like I got a new pair of glasses and suddenly saw the world and the people in my world for what they really are. All the things people bitched about me surfaced and I no longer trusted my friends. In fact, I pretty much kept to myself apart from Davinia and Amanda and when Solo became a big part of my life, I kept to him as well. It's just like that. I stopped wanting to be around my friends so much because I always felt irritable around them. It's probably not normal. But it's what happened.

When I think about it now, I honestly can say I feel different, I feel like a different person. In my relationships, I am finally stable. I have a boyfriend whom I love and trust and I know he feels the same way I feel about him. He constantly tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. And we do argue, like all couples do. And Davinia says our arguments are scary; probably because we say things to each other like "shut up" and "fuck off" and "I'll punch you" or "I'll slap you". But at the end of the day, even after the most massive of arguments, we'll be in each others' arms like it never happened. And that, is the biggest difference in this relationship I have now, compared to my past relationships. I no longer give up after one simple fight. It's probably also a big contributing factor that he's mature and deals with our fights differently than the previous guys I've dated would have. And he makes me want to be mature too. That is the biggest difference I see in me, but I am still that same girl who loves affection and attention from her boyfriend. 

With my friendships, I don’t have so many close friends anymore. This time last year, I had so many close friends to the point that when I had something massive to tell them I'd probably just blog it and tell them all to read it. But now, right now my closest and best friends are Amanda and Davinia and even my friends from back home although we don't talk so much anymore. And you know what? My new motto is simply this ❝ When you’ve got few really good friends who are there for you always and are there when you fall apart to pick up the pieces of you and put them back together, you don’t need thousands of friends. Because those few will do everything the thousands of friends won’t do ❞. And I believe that this is very true. 

With my relationship with my family members, I'm working on it. And that is actually a lot more than I ever did before. All the drama that happened earlier in the year just brought me to realise how much my family means to me. And we have our fights and disagreements and there are times when I want to kill them or run away, but at the end of the day I know they'd be there for me if shit happened.

And the difference in me in general? I am more patient. I don't get so angry so fast and I really do put up with a lot of people. I only really get angry when necessary. I am more understanding of people and I'm more ready to forgive than I used to be. I don't let people walk all over me anymore, instead I've taken charge of my life and I don’t put up with shit.

I truly feel like I have changed and you know what makes me really believe that I am a changed person? Because about a month ago, this same person that hurt me really bad last year that I was talking about in the beginning of this post told me that he missed me and he wanted me back. And you know what I said? I said "Too bad, I've got someone else and I am happy. I don't need you and I don't want you.”... Okay, not exactly that, but in more words, that had something to that effect. I held my ground and refused to cave in to his self-pity and "oh I miss you and I was a fool for the way I treated you" act. And you know what this makes me feel? Stronger. It's taught me that I have indeed changed because the person I was last year, took him back two times even after he cheated and did worse than that to me. 

I really believe in that quote in the beginning of this post. I did change because I was hurt really badly, but I also changed because I learned so much from the people around me and my experiences. All this changes because someone a year ago hurt me really bad. It's funny how life works.