I can never tell people the things I really feel.

It's sometimes just too hard to say things to people because either they don't want to listen to it and they constantly interrupt you. Or your fear of coming off sounding stupid or clingy or basically anything negative stops you. Or you're just simply not the verbally expressive kind of person. I think for me, it's a bit of all three. I have things to say to so many people. So i'd rather say them in writing here. Whether they read it or not, to me what matters is that I've some how let it out and it'll make me feel better. I know people always go on about people who write blogs being all full of themselves for thinking that people want to read about what goes on in their lives and their feelings. 


But here's the thing. One, my blog is private, so only the people I've chosen have any access to it all. And only I know who are the people reading my blog. Two, I know for a fact that quite a number of people have related to a lot of the things I've posted in the past. I mean, the reality is, I am a young adult and a lot of people go through the some of the shit I been through. So I know it's not hard for them to relate. Three, I like to believe, because people have told me this, that my words do indeed have some value to them. I know that a lot of the things I say sometimes make sense to a lot of people. 


So this is the deal. If you really don't want to know what's going on with me, not that you would from the things I might be posting, and if you really don't want to read about what I have to say to people, then you can just skip this post and come back another day when I would probably make more sense. If you're here reading my blog, it's probably by choice because I have never asked or forced anyone to read my blog unless there's something about them or that relates to them that I want them to read. So, here goes. 


#1
Dear Davi, (and yes, this you should copy paste to him :))
I am so glad you finally found someone who appreciates you for exactly who you are. You deserve all the happiness you can get. And he might be miles and miles away, but always remember that he'll be coming back. And remember, there's never a rush. If it's true now, it's true forever. But just so you know, I've always got your back and so has Manda, so if he ever does anything to you, you better tell us so we can kick him :) I also want you to know Davi, that I am really proud of you for being such a mature monkey with the way you've dealt with situations. And I know one of my biggest flaws is that half the time I sound mature and can totally help everyone in the world with their issues with their problem but when it comes to me, I am a major fuck up. So thank you for being there for me, and keeping my head level and telling me to chill about stuff sometimes.

And Mr. Petha, I really hope you take care of my baby girl. Like me and Manda, she's been through enough shit and because I am one of her bloody awesome best friends, I can totally relate to her and I feel her pain anytime. So her pain is my pain. And you should know I don't like being hurt. Other than that, don't let me scare you :) I'm actually a nice person. I don't know what Davi has told you about me or if she has in fact even said anything about me, (which Davi, if you haven't at all I will be very upset!) but yeah, I am definitely a major sweetheart ;) I'm only quite bitchy if people fuck around with me, pardon my French. Thank you for making one of my best friends so happy, because I can assure you, she bloody well deserves it! xx J




#2
Dear Manda,
I am incredibly proud of you. I am incredibly proud to call you one of my best friends just for the person you are. You're such a strong personality. And like all of us, you've been through the shittiest time, especially lately. And I know it was difficult for you, and I know that sometimes it's still difficult. But you know what matters Manda, what matters is that you come out of it stronger and better. What matters is that you dont let it get you down, that at the end of the day your personality still shines. And my, Manda how you're shining. You're special and don't let anyone or anything ever make you feel any less. 


You've got a good heart, anyone who knows you, knows that. And what's important is that you surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. One day, there will be one person that trumps us all in that department, but til then, let us love you and just live the way you want to, for you. xx J




#3
Dear you (if you're reading, you'll know who you are),
As the days go by, I feel a little more of a gap forming between us. I honestly want to blame it all on you, but that would be unfair. It's both of us. You and your secrecy and me and my worries. I know shit has been going on with you, even though you're not the one telling me, I know. That's what you constantly forget about me, I may not ask or talk about stuff, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's going on. What I hate the most is that when I do ask, you always silence me by telling me that it's nothing major and that I don't need to know. You get defensive and shout at me, and then I shut up because I don't want to fight. But that doesn't mean I don't find out. I feel like you don't understand so much the reason that I worry for you. I know it's hard, what you're doing, I know it's hard. And I know that eventually in a few years when I've done my degree, and I'm doing what you're doing, I know it'll be hard for me to. But honestly, and I know how bitchy it sounds to say this, but I really think that I'd be in a better situation than you're in now. 


It hurts me. It hurts me that you don't take of yourself and that you always tell me that I don't need to know everything. And it may be true that I don't need to know everything, but there are somethings in particular that do matter if I know or not. I worry because I care. That's just my nature. I'm like that with all the people I care about, be it family, friends or boyfriends. Hell, sometimes I'm even like that with people I barely know but talk to about their issues and mine. You can't tell me not to worry because that's like telling a dog not to walk on four legs. It's in a dog's nature, natural state whatever to walk on four legs. So how do you tell me not to be something that's been part of me since I was a kid? You're important to me, and I care about you. It's so hard to need to TRY to be a part of the important things that matter, and that you dont think to include me and tell me things. 


But at the end of the day, I know you're strong enough to deal with your own issues and if you don't want me to know things, I simply wont ask. Instead, I'll wait til you're ready to talk about it. I mean, that's all I can do right?  Just so you know, I really miss you. xx J




#4
Dear you, (a different one from before)
You're special. You're such a good friend. I've known you since 2008, and you've been such a special person to me since last year. I love that we've recently started talking more often and it's killing me that we have to stay up so late to get to talk to each other because of the circumstances, I'm only human okay! And I get tired too! Lol but I'm glad just for the chance to talk to you. You're like a calming effect. When we talk, it's nice that you just listen. You're always nice to me and when I'm so down, you make me feel good about myself. I wish there were more people like you in this world, around me, because sometimes I really feel like I'm surrounded by so many negative people who never have anything nice to say. 


Thank you for being a wonderful person in my life. I am impatient for the day that you come back here and we get to sit in each other's presence and just talk and talk. I'd like to picture to idea of you being able to hug me when I'm down and you're giving me a pep talk. I'd love the idea of being around you more often, just because you're one of the few good people in my life and you make me feel positive and happy. xx J

Birthday Post to Kaminie and Notes to Other People.

To Kaminie : 

Happy Birthday Sweetheart :) You're FINALLY 18 and now I cant make fun of you for being younger than me. Iloveyou. Thanks for a good day (: and Yummy food! 

To Davi :

I read your blog, and yes I feel like I've put everything that happened between us behind us. And we can be normal friends again :) Also, you silly silly girl, I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk; especially my friends okay? I can't wait for you to cook me your yummy pasta tomorrow :) I hope you and Manda bring loads and loads of Dvds so we can watch them all night and gossip like girls do best :) 

P.s I'm proud of you for finally forgiving a certain friend of ours :)

To Elo : 

You suck for leaving me alone here in the living room :( Idontlikeyouverymuch right now. And I HOPE you're not getting up to mischief in my room. :-/ Because if you are, YOU are washing my bedsheets!  Ish. Heheh :) 

To Arun : 

Thanks for driving us to buy us food and for being an annoying older brother and for cooking for us just now :)

To Kavs and Rathes : 

Thanks for finally posting up the pictures of us from my birthday and for the cute little notes you wrote with rathes' phone :)

To Li Ying :

You know I love you and I'm always here for you. No matter what :) I love you!!

To Him :

I miss you sometimes. I dont like you anymore. Cos I've come to terms with the fact that you're just not worth anything that I've had to give, and anything that I did give you. But I miss you. I miss how you held my hands when we walked. I miss listening to your heartbeat. I miss a lot. But you know, I dont miss what a jerk you were to me. I dont miss the asshole that you suddenly became to me. I don't miss a lot of things. And it's these things that I don't miss, that keep me going.

To everyone :

I love you guys for being avid readers of my blog. Even if you dont read daily, I know that you still read sometimes, and the fact that you keep coming back and increase my blog views, means a lot :)

xx J