I was named after a song, Gimme Hope Johanna, because everyone expected me to be a boy and I should have been named Adam. My name mean's God's gracious gift, although I'm not always sure of the truth in this. Just call me Jam. I like my real name though, it sounds fabulous. I am a sagittarius although now with the new apparent zodiac sign I am supposed to be an ophiuchus. Whatever, zodiacs don't mean anything to me. I am Malaysian, born and bred here. Like a true Malaysian I adore Malaysian food, but I am a traitor to my own country because I am dying to leave. But my reasons for wanting to leave are strictly based on the fact that I just need a fresh start, in a place where nobody knows me. Yet, I still love Malaysia. I could never truly leave for good because my story started here. I am a Christian, a Lutheran if you like specifics. Born and baptised as a Catholic, but my heart found a church that catered better to my needs and relationship with God. My faith is renewed, but I have a long way to go still.
I still look the same. I wear my nerd glasses and only occasionally when I feel like it and when something special is happening, I wear my contacts. My hair is still the same wavy hair I've had all my life, its length has varied over the past six months, but it's still the same unpredictable wavy hair. I still like to sing out loud to music, and I have a good voice, and I still get touched by silly song lyrics and movie scenes. I'm still right handed. My sexual orientation varies simply because I find myself looking at pretty girls more (and by pretty I mean the likes of Megan Fox and Blake Lively) but mostly because I think it's be less painful to be in a relationship with a woman than with a man because so far, it hasn't gone really well with the men. But I don't think I could see myself making out with a girl. So that's a slight problem if I were to be a lesbian. I still live in Sunway, but we are probably shifting homes soon and I think I might like my new home more. I still can't drive because even though months ago I was so excited about starting driving lessons, I am still unfortunately a little chicken shit and am too afraid to rive for fear of killing someone. However, I have vowed to myself that I will get around to it this year.
I have just started my degree in Psychology (finally) and I'm now in my second semester. Don't expect any sudden life changing emotions because I'm supposed to be all psychologically enhanced since I'm a psychology student now. It doesn't work that way. I am still learning the basics, the deep stuff comes later. I'm still very much a music listener and a reader. Right now I'm not reading any one particular book because I'm too busy doing other nonsense that does no good to my life. My music taste is still the same, however lately I find myself listening to more old school music just because I feel like it means so much more.
I am no longer dating Solo Chipili. That's a long story I might fill you in on if I feel like it, but don't expect much. Let's just put it this way, I got selfish and indecisive of what I wanted. Looking back on all my old blog posts, I realise just how much I was in love with him. Or maybe it was in like, I have no idea. I think that when you're IN a relationship, LOVE is the strongest thing you feel. But once the relationship is over and you start questioning yourself, you wonder was it really love because if it was, why didn't it last. I know I changed, and I hurt him a LOT, but it was a two-way thing. At the end of the day I think it just got too hard. Anyway, until a few days ago I WAS dating someone named Emmanuel, but that is now a very delicate and touchy situation with me because things got very very complicated because he is apparently a commitment phobic and is afraid of the word 'girlfriend', and so he broke up with me. But the problem is, the day after we broke up we spent some time with each other (stupidity on my part, don't ask) and he was back to treating me like a girlfriend. So I have no idea what the fuck is going on but I think for now I'm leaving it at that. I don't want to waste time right now pondering over it. It's too kecoh. Oh also, when Solo and I broke up, his friends dumped me too. Fun. Unfortunately, some of Solo's friends are also Emmanuel's friends so it was inevitable that I would bump into some of them sometimes and have some awkward moments, but otherwise it's fine. Susanna and Stanley, Solo's best friend and girlfriend just had a baby. I don't remember if I blogged about Susanna being pregnant before, but yeah, she was. And she gave birth like 4 days ago to a gorgeous baby boy names Immanuel Mark Taza. I didn't actually go visit her and the baby because I felt the awkwardness, but I did offer my congratulations and she accepted. That baby's going to grow up to be a heart breaker though. He's very cute. And yes, seeing two people I grew to care about ages ago (things changed somewhere along the way, but care doesn't) put their love together and have this beautiful child does make me feel a little bit jealous because they've shared something so special, they're bonded for life. I want that, not now. But eventually.
However, I have taken to convincing myself that I will never find a man who can love me and so I will live my life like Samantha of Sex and the City, except minus the sex, I'd die with that much sex. But yes, I will die single and only love children of my best friends and cousins and sister. That's the way my cookie will crumble, but if things change, I'll let you know.
I have just started my degree in Psychology (finally) and I'm now in my second semester. Don't expect any sudden life changing emotions because I'm supposed to be all psychologically enhanced since I'm a psychology student now. It doesn't work that way. I am still learning the basics, the deep stuff comes later. I'm still very much a music listener and a reader. Right now I'm not reading any one particular book because I'm too busy doing other nonsense that does no good to my life. My music taste is still the same, however lately I find myself listening to more old school music just because I feel like it means so much more.
I am no longer dating Solo Chipili. That's a long story I might fill you in on if I feel like it, but don't expect much. Let's just put it this way, I got selfish and indecisive of what I wanted. Looking back on all my old blog posts, I realise just how much I was in love with him. Or maybe it was in like, I have no idea. I think that when you're IN a relationship, LOVE is the strongest thing you feel. But once the relationship is over and you start questioning yourself, you wonder was it really love because if it was, why didn't it last. I know I changed, and I hurt him a LOT, but it was a two-way thing. At the end of the day I think it just got too hard. Anyway, until a few days ago I WAS dating someone named Emmanuel, but that is now a very delicate and touchy situation with me because things got very very complicated because he is apparently a commitment phobic and is afraid of the word 'girlfriend', and so he broke up with me. But the problem is, the day after we broke up we spent some time with each other (stupidity on my part, don't ask) and he was back to treating me like a girlfriend. So I have no idea what the fuck is going on but I think for now I'm leaving it at that. I don't want to waste time right now pondering over it. It's too kecoh. Oh also, when Solo and I broke up, his friends dumped me too. Fun. Unfortunately, some of Solo's friends are also Emmanuel's friends so it was inevitable that I would bump into some of them sometimes and have some awkward moments, but otherwise it's fine. Susanna and Stanley, Solo's best friend and girlfriend just had a baby. I don't remember if I blogged about Susanna being pregnant before, but yeah, she was. And she gave birth like 4 days ago to a gorgeous baby boy names Immanuel Mark Taza. I didn't actually go visit her and the baby because I felt the awkwardness, but I did offer my congratulations and she accepted. That baby's going to grow up to be a heart breaker though. He's very cute. And yes, seeing two people I grew to care about ages ago (things changed somewhere along the way, but care doesn't) put their love together and have this beautiful child does make me feel a little bit jealous because they've shared something so special, they're bonded for life. I want that, not now. But eventually.
However, I have taken to convincing myself that I will never find a man who can love me and so I will live my life like Samantha of Sex and the City, except minus the sex, I'd die with that much sex. But yes, I will die single and only love children of my best friends and cousins and sister. That's the way my cookie will crumble, but if things change, I'll let you know.
I guess a lot has changed in one year, too much to put in one blog post. I'm definitely back here to blog more often. Here has always been where I let out my deepest desires and darkest secrets, that won't change. So stay tuned for more juicy business about my messed up like.
xx Drawn to danger
xx Drawn to danger
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