A painful breakup.

Amanda and I had a conversation, well a bbm chat today. And it just brought so many emotions to light. I've never been too great at masking my emotions. I mean, I could definitely win an award or two for some of my greatest moments of hiding my true feelings, but when it comes down to it, when I'm really hurt I just don't have the strength to hide it anymore. Blogging, this is my only way of letting it out there. And yes, it makes me vulnerable to the world but so be it. Like Manda said, I am strong, watch me survive.

But here's the truth about my recent break up. He wasn't a bad guy. Oh who am I kidding? He did too much shit to me and it hurt. Seriously, who the fuck dates you for four fucking months then tells you that he's afraid of the commitment and that he will never love you as much as he loved his ex. So what was I these past four months? Just a way for you to waste your time? Well fuck you if that was it because you wasted my time, you wasted my strength, patience, kindness and love. I gave you so much and you just threw it back at me in the face.

Last night, I told him, "You know you've lost me." And what does he say? "I know. It's sad." What the is that shit? You want to know what is REALLY sad? What's really sad is that you couldn't appreciate me when you had me, when I was standing right in front of you so willing to give you so much, and that might be a bit strong to say on my part, but that's just the kind of fool I am. I fall, I fall hard. I give, I give hard. You know what else is really sad? The fact that you're still holding out hope and refuse to give up on a love that ended two years ago with someone who probably doesn't even remember your name anymore. What even sadder is that because of this, you're losing out on people who could possibly just love you better than that, you're losing out on a story that could have been your greatest love story.

What's REALLY sad is that I gave up on someone else, I had yet, because you walked into the picture and fucked it all up. If you had never sent me that stupid friend request on Facebook Emmanuel Philip, I might still be in a relationship that though it had its pits and cracks, I was still loved so fucking much.

But the saddest thing of all, is that now you've lost me for good. I will never turn and look back at you and let myself think "Gee, I miss Emmanuel and I'll be so glad if he wants me back again because I cared so much for him." NO. I will never ever let myself make that mistake. I might miss you, I might miss the memories and moments we had, I might miss having you around me, but I won't look back. You hurt me, and no matter how hard anyone tries, that fact will never change


This turned out to be a lie. That's what hurts the most.