Damaged

Tonight I realised that I really do have very major trust issues when it comes to guys. A very close friend of mine who just happens to live with the boyfriend, told me that he saw the boyfriend go home with some girl. And he kept saying that he was sorry but he HAD to tell me because he's my friend and all that. And at first I didn't believe him at all, and so I asked so what are they up to. And my friend told me that they went into the room and all that. And for all of me saying that I love and trust my boyfriend, I believed him. I believed what this particular friend told me. And I started tearing and crying. But then this idiot friend told me he was just playing around and he was kidding. It was just a cruel joke!

But then it made me question myself. I say I love my boyfriend and I know I trust him. But for everything I say about all that, I actually doubted him. I doubted him. I should have known better, but I still believed what my stupid friend told me. And okay, my friend did it through facebook chat so anyone can lie easily through their teeth like that, and plus he's a pretty good friend of mine so why wouldn't I trust him right?

I blame my lack of trust, on all those shitty experiences I had with guys. Like with Josh, my trust and faith in guys was first shaken there. When we were going through a rough patch and the whole thing with Sarah and Arvin and the M7, my faith in Josh was just so badly torn down and even after that I found it so hard to trust the guys I dated. Like I would always be suspicious of them and their flirting habits and stuff. And after that, Roy that I dated, the Eurasian one, just REALLY threw my faith in men out the window. Everything that went on with him and everything he did to me, it just made me wonder if there was even ever a good guy out there. Because as far as I was concerned, they were all liars and cheaters. And the Roy after that, foreign Roy, didnt do himself or the male race any favours when he went and did what he did to me.

So I think it's safe to say I've had some pretty fucked up experiences with relationships. And during all of that, my friends were usually the ones I turned to who were my biggest supports when I was crumbling down. So I am really not surprised that I could probably trust my friends more than my boyfriend.

But I still felt really bad when I realised that even for a second I could believe that my boyfriend was cheating on me just because a good friend said it. So I've made a resolution to try and trust the boyfriend more. And not to believe what anyone says without concrete evidence. After all, the truth always prevails right? I hope though, that God sees in my heart and realises that this is my time. That I deserve to be happy in a relationship for once without it getting fucked up by any other shit.

Note; Te amo, don't it mean I love you?