I know this post might seem really stupid, considering the fact that I know, and my friends know, how happy he really makes me.
For once in a long time, I feel happy. Blissful. It's a good feeling. I love how he holds my hand. And I love his hugs. His kisses make me smile. I love spending time with him and his friends; they're just so nice and fun to be around. I love how everytime I see him, I suddenly realise that I have this really dorky smile on my face; and I know it's because of him. I haven't felt this way in a long time. Dherej was right, the last time we both can really remember me feeling this way was with Josh. This time last year, I was completely miserable and on the verge of my breakdown which eventually came earlier this year. But now, I'm happy.
But I'm so happy that it scares me so much. I'm so afraid of being this happy, because it feels like eventually something bad is going to happen and take away this feeling from me. I think I'm mostly afraid of him. As happy as he makes me, everything about this relationship I have with him scares me. I'm so afraid to fall for him because I'm scared that he'll turn out to be like the others who've played and messed with my heart and my feelings. I've never felt this way. Because with Josh, I hadn't been broken enough to feel afraid like this.
Some part in me, tells me that he's different. That's he's not like that. The logical part of me thinks; why would he make me so happy simply to break me? It wouldnt make sense. But I'm afraid that if I fall for him, he won't be there to catch me, and I'll crash and burn. I just fixed myself. I dont want to be broken again. I hate that broken feeling. And the thing is, I'm not even afraid of what people think when they see us together. I'm not afraid of the stares I may get because we're different. I'm not afraid of how people may judge us when they see us together. I'm most afraid, that if he breaks me, that I won't be strong enough to pick up the pieces and fix myself again.
Note; Facedrop.
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