I know my life is good, and that I have a lot to be grateful for. But sometimes, somehow, i can't help but feel helpless and lonely. Right now, I can honestly say that my life is working out to be a lot better than i thought it would eight months ago. I'm loving college and having the time of my life; I've made new friends with whom I have strong bonds and we're created memories to share to last us a lifetime. I've got great family around me all the time, and though I know I can be difficult and have very little patience with them, they're still there and I know they'll support me through everything that goes on in my life. I've got the best friends i could ask for; whom even though they are so far away, one phone call is all i need and they'll make me feel shitloads better. Life is good, i've never had this much fun, ever.
But the there are times that i feel like there's something missing. There's this void that needs to be filled. This void that, this time last year, used to be Josh's place in my life. Josh and I didn't have the perfect relationship, there's no such thing. And yeah we weren't happy towards the end. But at that point in time, i felt a security; sort of a protection.
This year, my love life has taken a toll on me. It's really worn me out, emotionally especially. I give and i give and give. But I get nothing in return. If you really want to know what I think, i think that after things were so royally screwed up with Josh, I just did everything to bring myself down. I did self-destructive things. The thing is, I knew I was doing it. I knew that I shouldn't, but I did anyway.
That fling with Ethan, I shouldn't have let myself be part of that. Why? Cos I knew all along that it was a fling and just that. Nothing more. Roy? I don't know. I feel like he's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. Because to this day, he has some sort of hold over me. I've learnt to let it go, and to not put up with any sort of nonsense from him, but I'm slightly weak when it comes to him. Julien was another bout of fun. We only dated, that's about it. But even that was a mistake. I lost track after Julien, cos I stopped thinking. I stopped using my head. I stopped using my heart.
But then Mike came into the picture and everyone thought he was great and that he's nice and all that. And despite the fact that he was much older, I found myself taking to him. He made me think a lot. And he forced me to make decisions, but they're decisions that I'm proud of because it finally thought me to think with my head instead of my heart. Yes it took some maturity and strength to make the decisions I made because it meant another one bites the dust.
But I'm glad. I feel a lot more mature than ever, because I made a decision for myself. It was a hard one, but I did it and here I am surviving nonetheless. And as I'm blogging this now, I know that I am happy. I know that I am a naturally cheerful person and that no one can upset me unless it's something extreme. I've come to realised that having a man in my life is not the most important thing and that even without a man, I am still appealing and my friends and family still love me.
Yet, somehow I feel lonely. Lonely because when I'm upset, I don't have someone to calm me down and tell me that everything is going to be okay becuase I've got them by my side. Lonely because when I go out, I don't have someone's hand to hold. Lonely because when I'm happy, I don't have someone to hug. Lonely because everywhere I look, everyone else has that someone to do all these thing with them, and I am standing alone.
I am an independant girl. I am capable of great things on my own and I know it. It's just like in that song by PCD, I don't need a man to make it happen. I can make it all happen on my own. But what happens when I've made it all happen, and I don't have someone to celebrate it with? Is it too much to ask for someone who will love me for me and everything I am to him? I am not a toy, I have feelings. And I am fragile.
I just wish that people could look beyond my lame jokes and sarcasm and see the remnants of tears I've cried in my eyes. I just wish that they could understand that beyond my wide, cheeky smile and happy laughs, is a layer of hurt shielded by the lies.
I don't like being lonely.
No comments:
Post a Comment