A date with the past

You know you've grown up when you can meet with an ex and there's no tension or hard feelings whatsoever. I met up with Josh today. It was actually quite nice to see him. It's complicated to explain, but before a celebration at Kaarviin's house late last year, Josh and I weren't friends and we never spoke. Mostly because of his ex-girlfriend but probably also because it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. But we talk now on and off on Facebook and we've hung out a few times with Kaarviin. Today was the first day that it was actually just me and him.

Surprisingly, it wasn't at all awkward. It felt comfortable and quite like it did back then, except it was different. I realise that it's a nice feeling to be able to be friends with him again. After all, he was my first real boyfriend and the first boy I ever fell in love with.

And while some people don't like to keep up with their past, I think that considering the fact that our break-up wasn't messy is what allows me to truly be okay with being friends again. I mean, it would be a totally different case if he had cheated on me or done worse, but he didn't. when I think about it, he was always sweet to me. I guess we were just unfortunate to have been in the situation we were in. But never mind that, bygones are bygones and we all know well enough that it's doesn't do to dwell in the past.

He's grown up a lot though. I realised that today. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, we've both grown up and we're both more mature than we used to be. Probably because of the experiences we've had to deal with over the past few years. But what I loved about spending time with him today was that things still felt the same. We could still laugh and make jokes with each other like we used to and ultimately, I can only be thankful for that.

I'm not a vengeful person or someone who holds a grudge. I usually end up forgiving a lot faster than I probably should sometimes and even though getting over Josh was one of the hardest things I've had to do when it comes to relationships, the fact that I got through it and today I can truly say that I forgive him for whatever happened between us, makes me realise how different I am now from back then. I'm just thankful. Hopefully, this time, our friendship lasts well into the future. Better friends than nothing.

Some friends, I won't mention names, may call me a hypocrite for being friends with an ex when I constantly tell them that they shouldn't do the same with their exes. Here's the thing though, I'm only friends with exes whom I've truly forgiven for whatever happened between us and when I'm at a point in my life where anything they do doesn't affect me. I don't get angry or hurt by some of the things that they might say or do anymore.

It's not always easy to be in this position because if you think about the big breaks I've had that took me forever to get over, those guys are the ones I'm still friends with and I'm only okay with being proper friends years after the actual break up. Josh and I are only now starting to be friends 4 and a half years after we broke up and Emmanuel and I are only now proper friends 2 years after breaking up.

I won't tell you it's easy because things like this are never easy. There are moments of weakness when you can't help but reminisce about the past, because at the end of the day if you really love someone, you never stop loving them, no matter who you're with or what you're doing in life. But at the end of the day, the fact that I once loved these men so very much is the very same reason that I can and do make an effort with my friendships with them. I'd rather be part of someone's life as a friend than be nothing at all.

I'll leave you with that in mind, but darlings, remember that nothing worthwhile is ever easy and nothing worth having comes without work.