How can you tell the difference between confident, and cocky? I'd really like someone to tell me, because I can't tell the difference. I tend to down play my talents a lot because I feel like showing it off makes me seem cocky.
I can sing. But I hate singing in public. I can sing if I have someone else singing with me, but alone in front of a crowd? I'll die. I have a few videos of my singing on Youtube, but only one of just me. The others are with Amanda and Shaun. And one of the only times I have sung in public was a singing competition in school when I was 14 (and even then it took a lot of courage. I won 2nd place btw.), in choirs and during karaoke. Other times I almost always refuse to sing.
When I auditioned for Cohort Effect (the show tunes choir in college I blogged about earlier) , I was nervous as hell. Hands shaking and sweating. You could actually see my hands shivering. Okay, so maybe the my fear of singing and speaking in public is one of the things that stops me from singing in public. But when people ask me if I'm a good singer, I either say I don't know or I'm not sure. My mum has actually said before that I have a better voice than my sister and her, but that I'm an idiot because I wont sing for people. And this is my mother, who sings at weddings and whatnot. Hello? I never agree with her because, I mean, I can't be the judge of my own voice because if I say I think it's good I become all arrogant to people. And I'm really not arrogant.
And now I'm writing a book. I had a meeting with my editors today. And one of them asked me today if I'm embarrassed about writing this book, because it doesn't seem like I've told anyone about it. I have actually told a few close friends about it. The thing is, it's not that I'm embarrassed about it, I just don't want to seem like I'm too proud or whatever. And the other thing is that I don't want to receive so much praise and whatnot and at the end of the day people are disappointed with the result. I hate letting people down. I'm excited about writing this book, and I WILL be proud of myself when it is published and THEN if I think it's good enough I will let the world know that "Hey, this is me. I've written a book." But til then I'd rather just keep it on the down low for a bit.
I was brought up to be modest, but at the same time proud of my achievements. But the thing is, some how, society has made me feel like being proud of my achievements makes me arrogant and conceited. I am still modest. I never think I am better than I really am or than anyone else. I still get really shy when people praise me or my talents. I am naturally like that. But one day, I will learn to be confident about myself. The day I publish my book, I will be confident.
The thing is though, that it is really easy for people to perceive something relatively normal as something that makes a person look and feel bad. My pride at the things I achieve or will achieve one day, could easily be interpreted by someone else as cockiness and arrogance. I know, I shouldn't care about what people say or think. But somehow, it matters.
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