Remind me what falling in love is supposed to feel like, because I forgot.

Falling in for someone used to be the greatest feeling in the world. I used to feel like the sun couldn't shine any brighter, my smile couldn't get any wider. I used to feel like it was the best feeling in the world. I don't anymore. Falling for someone doesn't feel like such a big deal to me anymore.

I think it's because I'm reminded of the times I fell for guys who weren't there to catch me. I remember the times when I gave so much of me to someone I cared about and I received nothing in return. It sucks. I've had some tough ones. Tough relationships, tough break ups. The worst thing about everything is that you feel rejected. And it really takes a toll on your confidence and everything else about you.

I think all these bad relationship experiences, they're the reason why I don't get as excited about a guy as I used to. I mean, if I'm dating someone new, of course I have some feeling of happiness about it and a little bit of excitement about a new adventure with someone. But it's not as intense as it used to be. It's not as threatening as it used to be. Back then if I'd been dating a guy for a while, it really took a toll on me when we broke up. But now? Not as much. Maybe it's because now I don't invest as much feelings in a new person I'm seeing until it's been a longer while.

Recently, with EP, that affected me quite a lot, and for quite some time. In fact, it still does. It's hard talking to him or seeing his tweets or anything. Sometimes I still get emotional about it. But that's because I knew him for a long time, since the time I was dating Solo. And having been friends before anything else, I did invest a lot of myself in EP. And when we started dating it was like a big BANG and it happened so fast but it seemed like it was going to happen long before it did and I'd already fallen for him just a bit without realising it. And when I was with EP,  it's like everything that happened between us had such an effect on me emotionally. Even breaking up, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to feel. Especially that night in Changkat with Manda and all.

I'm not sure why I don't get as excited as I used to about seeing someone new. It takes time before I really wonder if there's something there, and then I get excited about it. It's so strange. Perhaps a psychological or emotional defense mechanism. Oh well.