You know, anyone would expect that after an ex does everything he did to me, that i'd be bitter about him and want to shove his face in a fucking toilet bowl; well okay, i kinda do want to do something similar to that to him but only cos it'd be so much fun! :P . But anyway, tonight I realised, I'm not really bitter about it. I'm actually, relieved. At peace. I think that after everything he put me through, and the way he blackmailed and threatened me, in the end I felt like he just wasn't worth a single prayer.
And I feel like the fact that after we broke up; and for the record I dumped HIM. He's just not man enough to admit it, but that's okay. I'm woman enough to not giveafuck about how he contorts stories. Anyway. I feel like the fact that after we broke up he still made me call him and make plans to see me, I feel like he had nothing else to do with his sad life and maybe, quite possibly he's just another sadist bastard who likes seeing others hurt for him. But I also think that the only reason I kept in touch with him is because I felt I needed closure. I felt like I needed to see him to really believe that he's everything that I DONT need in my life.
But today I can honestly say, I dont NEED to see him to have closure. Knowing that he's moved on to suck the soul out of another poor victim; is enough for me to know that I've been set free. That right here, right now, I KNOW that he wasn't good enough for me. In fact, I don't think he ever was. Yes, I regret everything about him. Letting him into my life was probably the biggest mistake I ever made, because in the end, I lost so much of myself and he lost nothing.
But then, here I am. I may not be beautiful, I may not be "hot" and I may not be everything he wanted me to be. But still, I have the upper hand. Why? Because I'm intelligent, more than he can compete with , because as hot as I'm not, I have personality and a great big heart. But mostly, I have the upperhand because I didn't LET myself become everything he wanted me to be. I stuck to what I believed I should be, to what I wanted to be to make myself happy. (and you know WHAT. I was looking through old pictures of me and him and REALLY, we didn't look good together. Cos, well, he's so evil-looking and I'm, well I'm so sweet! HAHA! I kid i kid. That's just slightly mean :D).
Even as I blog this and I remember the few good times we had, the many fights and everything post breakup; the blackmailing and threats, the lying, the pretending. The whole "Baby we never broke up; you're still my girl" act - that was priceless. I found it endlessly funny because while the boy was trying to fool me with this bullcrap, guess who was the one dating the tall, dark and sexy basketball player uh? ;) But see, all these memories, they'll be in my mind forever, to remind me of my mistake. And the next time I even think for falling for a guy like this, I'll think twice because I've learnt my lesson.
All I have to say now? I feel sorry for the poor girl he's preying on now. But who knows, maybe he's changed. Maybe he's finally realised what a dickwad he's been and learn to be loyal and true to this one girl. Then again, maybe not. As much as I believe that people CAN change, tigers don't change their stripes so easily. But I wish them both all the luck in the world.
A friend of mine told me that I'm only feeling this way, so forgiving and not bitter towards him, because I've got someone else in my life. But believe it or not, I think that even if I was still alone and I didn't have anyone else in my life but me, I think I'd still be able to accept it and be gracious about it. I've moved on, and I'm happy as ever. (:
Joanna is growing up.
Note; Souljaboy and "Kiss me thru the phone" can shove it. ;) Now it's all about Ne-yo and getting "Mad" ♥
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