Am having midterms now.
*sigh
am a bit down in the dumps.

the other day, friday, i made myself so proud =) i sang in front of people. like, ACTUALLY in front of people :) I've never done that. Like REALLY sing in front of people. Normally, i cincai-ly sing.

But other than that, lately i've just been.. not myself i think.

I've been fearful and.. upset. On thursday, i went to Sunway Pyramid to meet Pastor Sally and Li Huay (my cg leader).. and after our "meeting" we were walking to the car and suddenly i just got all sad and really upset. I went home and cried.

You wanna know why?

Cos I realised that the last time i was in pyramid, was with HIM, that time we went shisha-ing and all. And then i realised, that at that moment, he could very well be in pyramid. Cos, well, we all know where he is every night.

And when i was home, and thinking about it, thats when the fear set in. I realised that he lives so close by. And he works really nearby.. and he parties EVEN closer.

And its like.. I feel so.. constrained. Cos everywhere i go near home now im so afraid i'll bump into him.. And then what? What will i do? I don't know. What will he do? I don't know.

It's like i told Manda...

i know i really shouldnt be letting myself be sad. i know its not worth it. i know that i'd be much better off putting my time into something that's REALLY worth wasting my time over. and really, i AM trying, im trying to forget about it all and just move on. and sometimes, i can. i know i can. sometimes, i feel like my world is so colourful and the stars are shining bright and im just so damned happy. but then there are those moments that i just feel like im about to breakdown, and i just want to CRY. [I REALLY think i might have bipolar disorder or something]

on friday... i felt like it came back just to haunt me again. i know its really stupid to say this but i feel like..you know, he LIVES so closeby, and he WORKS right here..

And everytime i pass by pyramid and all, he pops into my mind, and somehow i find myself thinking about him. I wonder why he hasn't called. I wish he would call. I wonder if I should call him..But i know i wont.Cos i know he's a part of my life that i don't want to remember.. a part that i dont want to think of. but its like.. I dont know what to do.

No, i'm not lovesick or whatevershit. I'm just.. sad.

Note-to-self ; If you're going to commit suicide, make it hurt, and die in style.