I just want to quiet the noise.

I'm kind of  glad that people have moved on from the blogging craze. In a way it assures me a little that all the people who used to read my blog, don't anymore. Mostly because people just don't give a damn about blogging anymore. All the people who used to post shit about their daily lives now have snapchat, instagram and whatnot to do that. But here, I can really just let my thoughts transform themselves into words. So I'm basically writing for myself right now. Which is what I need. I think sometimes we just need an outlet.

It's been a few years since I last blogged. I tried keeping a diary in that time, but seriously who has time to write down as many thoughts as I have, as often as I wish I could. A lot has happened in the past 2-3 years though. I think I grew up a lot. Gone are my days of being a familiar face in the African party scene in KL. I legit ain't about that life no more LMAO. That's what I keep joking about when people ask me. But it's true. I only keep in touch with like 3 or 4 of my friends from that scene but that's about it. That's whole lifestyle I think just became too meaningless.

Don't get me wrong, I'm young and I still party and hangout with people but I think the difference is that I've closed off my circle of people now. The people I party and hangout with are legit friends and people I actually give a shit about and trust, and can sit down and have a serious conversation with. Not acquaintances who don't know jack shit about me but will party about me and then talk about me like they know me. So I have fewer people to hit up for a night out, so I am not on my phone texting all the damn day long, so what? I have time to get shit done, time to myself to just be me without having to waste effort on other people when I really don't give a shit.

Like, I'm literally so OKAY with sitting at home on a Friday or Saturday night, by myself, watching House of Cards or some TV series that I've discovered. There's no longer a feeling of "I don't have a life" if I'm not out partying on a weekend night. That's doesn't mean I don't party at all. Lol. I've had some ridiculous nights out, but they're nothing like they used to be. I spend most of my time at Barfly now. Right now, it's mostly because Sonia is back from Minnesota for her summer break and considering she's dating the manager of Barfly (from here on known as BF), she spends a lot of time there, as do I by  proxy I guess.

My life has changed so much in the past few years, seriously. I went from partying all the time and in the african scene to being in a serious relationship and basically never ever going anywhere for like over a year to single, high all the time and living my life the way I fucking want to. I'm closer to my family, although we still have our fights and shit. That's what happens with 4 strong personalities under one roof. My sister and I have a much better relationship now though. I mean, way back when, you'd never catch us hanging out in the same place and with the same crowd. But here we are, turning 24 and alreaedy 28, and after years of being at each other's throats, we have a good relationship. We hangout, we talk, we involved each other in our lives, and it's nice. I mean, we're not attached at the hip or anything, but it's starting to feel the way sisters SHOULD be with each other. She's still a pain in the ass sometimes, but so am I.

Notice how I sidestepped that whole serious relationship thing? Yeah, it's a long story. Maybe that'll be what my next post is about. But right now, to be honest, thinking about what I've just typed, I really am realising how different I am, and my life has become. I'm not so highly strung now. I think I'm more laidback and ready to accept my flaws and mistakes as a part of me. But the one way I haven't changed much, is the way I feel things. It's been pretty bad lately, and it's becoming difficult to exist around people. I'd so much rather smoke a blunt and be by myself all day than go out and have to interact with other people. I'm happily medicated, as I call it, but it''s a crutch. It helps me forget, temporarily. It helps me to take all the negative things and thoughts in my life and stuff it in a chest with a chain and lock. Literally nothing brings me down. Until the high wears off and I'm stuck with reality.. until my next blunt only of course.

But I totally understand Spencer when she says all she wants is to quiet the noise. I feel you babe.

#postyourdrafts

August 2013, around the time EP left Malaysia for good, and I wrote this...

I hate goodbyes. Always have. Saying goodbye to someone you know will come back is easier, but still painful. But saying goodbye to someone you may never see again is the hardest, most painful thing to do.

Earlier this year I had to say goodbye to Henry. He's always been a great friend which made it that much harder. A few days before he left I saw him to give him a goodbye gift and I ended up crying for ages. And let's not even talk about saying goodbye at the airport. I told myself over and over again that I wouldn't cry, but I did.

And now you're leaving for good. In three years, we've been through so many ups and downs. It was an emotional roller coaster for me. I spent most of it upside down, but I've finally started setting myself straight. So I hope you understand that I can't bear to see you for a final goodbye.

All this time I've spent all my time trying to get away from this never ending attachment I've had to you. I've tried and failed. Only because I wanted to because the love I've had for you never left me. It's stayed with me all this time.

And now having to say goodbye? Knowing that I'll probably never see you again? Knowing that this is where our story ends? I can't. It would be too hard. And it would be cruel to put myself through that.

So I hope you understand. I may have to stop loving you, but I'll always remember you. I'll always remember the good times, the love, and even the pain because despite everything the pain taught me so much about myself, about us. I know time and distance with drift you away from me and eventually you will feel like just a memory.

I will cherish the last few moments I had with you. They're the most beautiful. Those were the moments that helped me realize that you truly do love me. I hope the best for you. Part of you will always be with me.

I will always cherish the memories and the love you gave me.

2015. What?

It's the middle of 2015. How has time gone by so fast?
My last post was in the beginning of 2013. And so much has happened since then. It'll probably take a while to fill you in. But I suppose I'm back here because writing used to be my release. In an age of instagram, facebook, twitter (though facebook and twitter have been there for awhile), snapchat, etc, it's easy to update people on what's going on in our lives. Mostly with pictures. But every so often, with the way I've been feeling in the past 6 months, I think pictures just don't say enough. I need my words, I need to put them down somewhere. To be honest, I'm too lazy to keep a diary. I mean, a blog is akin to a diary except that it's public and that it's faster/easier to type and edit, but even then I don't blog as continually as I would like.

But as always, I promise I'll try. I know I could always start a new blog but I couldn't bear the thought of abandoning all the posts I've ever made on this blog. It represents the evolution of me. From the stupid things I'd write about to complain and bitch about people (with overly excitable fonts and colours) to actually putting my thoughts and feelings down. From writing about every single thing point blank, to learning to be a bit more discreet about details. From being an overly sensitive and filled with anger person, to maturing a little bit to become more carefree and thoughtful. I'm growing up in many ways, even if I'm the only one who can see it.

So I promise to try to blog properly now... even if nobody is reading them. I always used to blog for me anyway, not anyone else.

More Malaysian bullshit.

Dear Malaysia, take your 1Malaysia "Living in Peace" nonsense and stuff it down your jamban. It's issues like this that keep giving Malaysians a bad name. What's ironic about Malaysians is that most of them love to treat Caucasians like Gods, but when it comes to Africans, they are treated like dirt. Whereas, once upon a time it was the Caucasians who treated our parents, grandparents and great-grandparents (not to mention the ancestors of Africans too) like shit. It's Malaysians' attitudes towards Africans and homosexuals and any other minority that make me disgusted and ashamed to say I am Malaysian.

This article is worth a read because everything said is true.
http://www.themalaymailonline.com/malaysia/article/the-other-side-of-the-coin

When I am a parent...

When I am a parent, I will never say nasty things to my children to intentionally hurt them.
When I am a parent, I will not hold a grudge against my children, because I am supposed to love them unconditionally.
When I am a parent, I will place focus on my children's lives so that I know when they are going through difficult times and I will be there for them.
When I am a parent, I will not blackmail my children into doing things that I want them to do.
When I am a parent, I will not hate my children, nor will I give them a reason to hate me.
When I am a parent, I will put my children's needs before my own.
When I am a parent, I will not be selfish to a point that it hurts my children.
When I am a parent, I will be open and understanding of my children so that we have a good foundation for a relationship and they will not feel the need to hide things from me.
When I am a parent, I will help my children with their decisions and choices, rather than judge them and make them feel bad about themselves.
When I am a parent, I will never let someone else raise their voice or a hand to my child without FAIR and JUSTIFIABLE reasoning.
When I am a parent, I will never make my children feel like they are not important.
When I am a parent, I will not continually remind my children how much I do for them because my children will love me and one day they will remember it.
When I am a parent, I will give my children more than I give myself.
When I am a parent, I will ensure that my children have a stable, loving and supportive home environment.
When I am a parent, I will not put my children through anything they do not have to experience.
When I am a parent, I will do everything I can to provide for my children.
When I am a parent, I will be fair.
When I am a parent, I will help build my children's self-esteem and self-confidence and I will not bring them down.
When I am a parent, I will accept my children as they are and not constantly try to change them.
When I am a parent, I will not make the mistakes my parents made with me.
When I am a parent, I will be a better person and parent than they were.

Unpretty.

I wonder what made me ever start wanting to wear make-up. When did I become someone who couldn't leave the house with at least eyeliner on? A lot of things have hit me pretty hard lately and one of the realizations is, why do I constantly need to wear make up? I don't think I'm ugly.

So what is it? I haven't quite figured it out. But the past few days I've managed go out of he house with not an inch of make up on. It didn't feel any different, except that maybe I can rub my eyes when they're itchy and not worry about smudging anything.

So maybe life is a little easier. I suppose some occasions will call for some dolling up, more than when I head to college or work. Plus it cuts down the time it takes me to get ready.

The way I see it now is that it doesn't bother me, not wearing make up. And if it doesn't bother me, then anyone who is bothered by it just doesn't have to look at me. Nobody has the right to make me feel unpretty.